A Gift From My Daughter
As I kissed my 11 year old daughter goodnight last night, she decided she wanted to chat (curiously, it’s always past her bed time when the urge to chat hits her…).
Somehow, we landed on the subject of career and she told me that she doesn’t want to do what I do when she grows up. I told her that’s great-she will find what’s just right and meaningful for her. I then went on to say that the reason this work is right for me is that I struggled with weight when I was younger, and that’s why I care so much about it.
I said working with weight loss wouldn’t be as meaningful for her because it’s not her issue. She then said to me “Of course it isn’t. That’s because you are my mommy!”Even though I certainly hope I have done well in passing on my own healing to my children, it sure is nice to hear it.
Thank you beautiful (from the inside out) daughter.
Anne said,
July 28, 2009 @ 6:00 am
Hi Renee,
As much as I love my mom, I wish I’d had a mom like you. I’m nearly 30 and just now learning to like myself, largely thanks to IOWL. My worst memory of childhood (when I was actually quite skinny) was of my mother saying to me in the heat of an argument, “I can be proud of you because you are smart and because you are pretty, but I can’t be proud of you for who you are.” Years later, I told her how much it hurt me but that I had forgiven her and realized she did not mean it. She responded, “Oh, no, I meant it. You were horrible.” I’m still working on dropping that baggage and leaving it behind.
I’m only on episode 35 so far (I got into the game a little late, but I usually listen to 2-3 episodes a week, so I’ll catch up in time), and there have been a few times where I have listened to your soothing, caring words and actually cried because it sounded like the sorts of things I wish my mom had said to me.
I’m learning (again with your help) to look at the positive rather than the negative. I used to try to develop quick, close connections with friends and with men. As a result, I would go through both rather quickly and tumultuously, a roller coaster of joy and despair. I finally leveled out with the help of antidepressants after meeting my now-husband, and the antidepressants were the only way I could keep from feeling “crazy.” Since then, we have both gained a significant amount of weight, as food and alcohol were our way of enjoying each other’s company and, later, numbing the stress of the economy and unhappiness with our jobs.
Right now I am slowly (but happily and contentedly) weaning off the antidepressants as I slowly (but happily and contentedly) lose weight. My blood pressure is dropping, and for the first time in my entire life I actually know what foods I enjoy. Imagine my shock when I realized a few weeks ago that I would rather eat a delicious spinach salad with strawberries and almonds than an Italian hoagie with extra salami.
My husband is still trapped in his cycle of eating and drinking to numb the pain. He is not interested in listening to IOWL at this time because he does not want to feel anything just yet. It is difficult. We are getting by, and I am trying to be a quietly and joyfully supportive wife rather than a lecturing harpy. I am learning to put my own mask on first and to let him find his own way, and although there are many times when I slip up and binge with him (but never to the level that I used to), I now self-correct and am working on being a happy and naturally slender role model.
Thank you for helping me to figure out that I am actually a happy and peaceful person and not the depressed drama queen that I have been presenting to the world for the last two decades. Your daughter is incredibly lucky to have you for a role model.
Anne
admin said,
July 28, 2009 @ 10:54 am
Thank you Anne. Thank you for sharing. I admire your courageous commitment to yourself. Lead by example-that is your noble role. As you learn that your mother was indeed mistaken (did she accept herself for who she is, I wonder?), and come to forgive her, you will forgive yourself and your husband for being fallible humans, doing their best, that we all are.
Blessings,
Renee